What i want to do when i grow up. Part:1. (Vampire hunter)

OK so this is about one of the jobs i would love to have when i grow up. (I'm 26 so i don't really know when that will be)

So what do i want to be when i grow up?
A Vampire Hunter.... No really.

Think I'm crazy?
Well think about this. There are people in the world who contest. (Ether because there crazy or pretentious Emo Assholes) That they are in fact. Real Vampires. Don't believe me? Look it up on the internet. There are Vampire Support Groups.

So this is my stance.
They contest that they are Creatures that live off of Human blood.
I think that warrants some kind of Criminal Act.
So why shouldn't i get payed to hunt them?
And i think i should get Government Money to do so.
Because There are government Support groups for Vampires. (That is support groups trying to convince stupid/crazy 16 year old's that they are not, in fact the walking undead)

So from looking on the internet / "other" Places. This is a quick guide to Hunting Vampires.

#1. How to tell if some one is a vampire.
A: OK so if some one tells you "I'm a vampire" BAM! That's it, take them down. Right there, Self Defense, I mean after all if some one said, Ya i am going to stab you in the neck. Then your totally defending yourself.
B: A Mirror. OK so in old times, they thought that Mirrors Reflected your soul, So Vampires not having souls, didn't have reflection, but Ann Colter Has a reflection, so i don't buy this.
C: Animals don't like Vampires / Vampires Stink. OK so Animals can sense evil? I think not. But it is true that most Emo's / Goth's / Basement Dwelers have bad Hygiene.

#2. You can't be a vampire hunter if you are ANY of the following.
A: A Hemophiliac/Hemophobic. You can be bleeding and or Fainting when ever you see blood.

B: A Slut... Leftard. No really. First off Vampires seam to seduce people allot. And have you every watched a Horror Film? The Slut always dies, and the pristine pure chick lives.

C: Weak Willed; Rightard. OK So a little explanation here. You would think that people who were afraid of anything different would be GREAT vampire hunters. But you see vampire's can Hypnotize you. And week willed people are easy to control, So no Rightards.

D: A Vampire. OK So just putting this out there. Unless your Wesley Snipes, You can't be a self hating Vampire.


#3. How to kill a vampire. (Tools of the job)
A: A stake. Most people say a oak stake. But in old times Rosewood and Hawthorn were what you used. (Don't know why) I contest ANY Sharp stabbing tool should do the trick. But sense getting stabbed in the heart will kill any one this is a little divisive.

B: Crucifix. OK so this is iffy, you see the idle here is that a vampire, being wicked in the eye's of god can not stand the sight of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. The problem here is. (1;What if they are Protestant? They don't put Jesus on the cross?, 2;What if they are not of a Judao-Christian faith?) I think it's safer to bring things you KNOW that the people claiming to be Vampires can't stand to look at. I would suggest a job application.

C: Holy Water. OK again we run into the trouble of "What if there not Christian?" I suggest just throwing bleach into there face.

D: Garlic. OK so this is suppose to overpower the smell of death. I think its a good idle just to overpower the smell of pore hygiene.

E: Mustard Seeds / Marbles. Throw them on the ground, the vampire will stop and count them. If Sesame Street Taught me anything its that All Vampires are O.C.D.

F: Weapons that can kill anyone, but people seam to like to use on Vampires.
An Axe or Sword. (To cut there heads off)
Fire. (Keep it in your pocket, the wont see that Coming)
A Gun. (Let's face it there are very few problems in life that a shotgun can not fix)

G: Backup. Some one to help you out. I would suggest Wesley Snipes or Buffy. But that dose break the No Vampires and No Slut's rule.


Also make a not to always hunt the opposite sex from your interest.
That is. If your a strait male. Hunt Male Vampires.
If your a Homosexual Male. Hunt Female Vampires.
If your a Strait Female. Hunt Female Vampires.
If your a Homosexual Female. Hunt Male Vampires.
If your a strait female feminazi. Hunt Male Vampires.

Well that's it with my guide you will be hunting vampires / In jail for mass murder in no time.


[Do not try this: Every, in fact to do anything i tell you; I'm bad for you.]

you might be able to spell, but your still a moron.

OK again a little context.
I as you might have gathered can't spell for crap. For one i am Dyslexic, And secondly I was LIED to in school when i was a child.

You see as part of the No Moron's opinion left behind program. I was told that I could spell the English Language Phonetically. Pho,no,net,ick,ly... ... ... (Looks it up on Google) phonetically.
And there in lies my point. Phonetically isn't spelled Phonetically. Its spell Funetickly.

But that isn't the English languages fault. It's the fault of the moron's who made the English Language.

I mean I'm not the worse speller I have ever seen, in fact I don't normally misspell words, I spell the wrong words. Homophones are my bane. (That's not a metro guy's Nokia) Those are words that sound just alike but are spell and mean different things. (Two, Too and To)

The reason that these words are like this is because of one fact. The people who came up with the English language think the reader is stupid. And I mean that in the most serious manner, the people who came up with English, Made it because they wanted a simple language that there Stupid Plebeians in Great Brighten could speak. Before that they all spoke Gaelic, Latin or French.

Example.

It's nice to meet you.
Vs.
It's nice to meat you.

Now the makers of the English language just assume that if you use the latter of the two sentences, that the ignorant masses would think... Why is this guy I don't know trying to make me into a pork chop.

Meat is the food right not meet? I forget some times.

Any ways the point of this is that just because I can't spell that well, It dose not mean that I, or any one else that can't spell is less intelligent then you. For instance, the VAST majority of people I have talked to in college cant find Crap on a map. (I'm a geography Major) One out of five American's can't find America on a map! And one out of the four that can can't find Canada or Mexico on a map.

It's all about applied knowledge.
I think English rules are Stupid, so I don't pay them much attention, Most people Are Ignorant Self Absorbed Morons, and don't think they need to know were other country's are. (Because "America IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH!") Like they have been too or know about any were else.

We are both in fact right.
Your not stupid because you don't know were Bangladesh is, and I'm not stupid because I can't spell.

BUT YOU WERE NEVER LIED TO IN SCHOOL ABOUT HOW TO FIND STUFF! I WAS LIED TO IN SCHOOL ABOUT HOW TO SPELL.
_

In all seriousness. It's very easy to talk to some one and tell if they are a Moron or not, it's not so easy to read what they are writing. And in all fairness, My spelling is in fact, Improving over time.