What i want to do when i grow up. Part:1. (Vampire hunter)

OK so this is about one of the jobs i would love to have when i grow up. (I'm 26 so i don't really know when that will be)

So what do i want to be when i grow up?
A Vampire Hunter.... No really.

Think I'm crazy?
Well think about this. There are people in the world who contest. (Ether because there crazy or pretentious Emo Assholes) That they are in fact. Real Vampires. Don't believe me? Look it up on the internet. There are Vampire Support Groups.

So this is my stance.
They contest that they are Creatures that live off of Human blood.
I think that warrants some kind of Criminal Act.
So why shouldn't i get payed to hunt them?
And i think i should get Government Money to do so.
Because There are government Support groups for Vampires. (That is support groups trying to convince stupid/crazy 16 year old's that they are not, in fact the walking undead)

So from looking on the internet / "other" Places. This is a quick guide to Hunting Vampires.

#1. How to tell if some one is a vampire.
A: OK so if some one tells you "I'm a vampire" BAM! That's it, take them down. Right there, Self Defense, I mean after all if some one said, Ya i am going to stab you in the neck. Then your totally defending yourself.
B: A Mirror. OK so in old times, they thought that Mirrors Reflected your soul, So Vampires not having souls, didn't have reflection, but Ann Colter Has a reflection, so i don't buy this.
C: Animals don't like Vampires / Vampires Stink. OK so Animals can sense evil? I think not. But it is true that most Emo's / Goth's / Basement Dwelers have bad Hygiene.

#2. You can't be a vampire hunter if you are ANY of the following.
A: A Hemophiliac/Hemophobic. You can be bleeding and or Fainting when ever you see blood.

B: A Slut... Leftard. No really. First off Vampires seam to seduce people allot. And have you every watched a Horror Film? The Slut always dies, and the pristine pure chick lives.

C: Weak Willed; Rightard. OK So a little explanation here. You would think that people who were afraid of anything different would be GREAT vampire hunters. But you see vampire's can Hypnotize you. And week willed people are easy to control, So no Rightards.

D: A Vampire. OK So just putting this out there. Unless your Wesley Snipes, You can't be a self hating Vampire.


#3. How to kill a vampire. (Tools of the job)
A: A stake. Most people say a oak stake. But in old times Rosewood and Hawthorn were what you used. (Don't know why) I contest ANY Sharp stabbing tool should do the trick. But sense getting stabbed in the heart will kill any one this is a little divisive.

B: Crucifix. OK so this is iffy, you see the idle here is that a vampire, being wicked in the eye's of god can not stand the sight of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. The problem here is. (1;What if they are Protestant? They don't put Jesus on the cross?, 2;What if they are not of a Judao-Christian faith?) I think it's safer to bring things you KNOW that the people claiming to be Vampires can't stand to look at. I would suggest a job application.

C: Holy Water. OK again we run into the trouble of "What if there not Christian?" I suggest just throwing bleach into there face.

D: Garlic. OK so this is suppose to overpower the smell of death. I think its a good idle just to overpower the smell of pore hygiene.

E: Mustard Seeds / Marbles. Throw them on the ground, the vampire will stop and count them. If Sesame Street Taught me anything its that All Vampires are O.C.D.

F: Weapons that can kill anyone, but people seam to like to use on Vampires.
An Axe or Sword. (To cut there heads off)
Fire. (Keep it in your pocket, the wont see that Coming)
A Gun. (Let's face it there are very few problems in life that a shotgun can not fix)

G: Backup. Some one to help you out. I would suggest Wesley Snipes or Buffy. But that dose break the No Vampires and No Slut's rule.


Also make a not to always hunt the opposite sex from your interest.
That is. If your a strait male. Hunt Male Vampires.
If your a Homosexual Male. Hunt Female Vampires.
If your a Strait Female. Hunt Female Vampires.
If your a Homosexual Female. Hunt Male Vampires.
If your a strait female feminazi. Hunt Male Vampires.

Well that's it with my guide you will be hunting vampires / In jail for mass murder in no time.


[Do not try this: Every, in fact to do anything i tell you; I'm bad for you.]